Parenthood can be rewarding, but it is ever busy, too! Between taking children to school and managing other to-dos, some days it may feel like you don’t get a minute to yourself. And even when you hear about self-care, you may dismiss it as frivolous, unnecessary, or even selfish.

But self-care has little to do with self-absorption and everything to do with health and wellness. In fact, self-care can be one of the best ways for parents to not only meet their own needs, but also their family responsibilities. Once you view self-care through the correct lens, it’s easy to see that it’s anything but selfish.

A broad definition of self-care, according to the National Institute of Mental Health (NAMI), means creating a plan with healthy habits under the umbrella of physical, emotional, spiritual, social, professional, and psychological care. Self-care doesn’t mean eating bonbons in a bathtub all day, although this can be something fun to do every now and then. Self-care just means adding yourself to your to do list with doing things to improve your physical and emotional well-being. It just means putting the oxygen mask on yourself too. Self-care habits can help us stay at the top of our game. Though it may be difficult in the beginning, you will start to see it as beneficial over time.

How to talk with your children about their bodies

Foster an environment where you child feels safe talking to you about everything. Explain that our body is amazing, and when it feels ‘unsafe’, always lets us know. Encourage your child to stand up for others who may be being bullied or harassed. From day one, call your child’s genitals by their correct names. Ensure your child knows that their private parts (including the mouth) are private. Explain that private means ‘just for you.’ Tell your child that if anyone touches their private parts, asks to touch their private parts, or shows them pictures of private parts, they need to tell a trusted adult right away. Teach your child to respect another person’s body boundary also, and that they need to ask for consent before crossing it. That means, for example, if they want to hold another child’s hand, they need to ask permission. And if that child says ‘no,’ they need to respect and accept that child’s wishes. Explain body boundaries and personal distance. Help your child choose three to five trusted adults they could tell anything to and would be believed.

How to deal with shame and build empathy in children

Guilt is an emotion that serves the function of telling us when we have done something wrong. It is a good emotion because it can lead us towards corrective action and empathy for harms done to another person. Shame, on the other hand, has no healthy function in our lives. It causes the person to feel like fundamentally deep down inside there is an uncorrectable flaw. Shame causes all kinds of problems internally. Through psychodrama and other therapeutic activities, we teach our patients how to get rid of shame for good. At Essential Touchstones, we believe in detecting and getting rid of shame early on. Undiagnosed shame can wreak havoc on development and contributes to many types of mental disorders. Shame, fortunately, is very treatable.

Often ADHD symptoms are different in girls and boys. Boys generally display more hyperactive and oppositional behaviors while girls show more inattentive symptoms.

Fast Facts for Parents:

• • Boys are almost 3 times more likely to be diagnosed with ADHD than girls
  • The average diagnosis of boys is 7 years old
  • Symptoms of ADHD generally appear at ages 3-5
  • ADHD is not just a childhood disorder. Often girls can mask inattentive symptoms until adulthood when stress causes it to exacerbate.
  • Girls often struggle more with inattentive type ADHD symptoms

Disruptive mood dysregulation disorder (DMDD) is a condition that starts in childhood where there are displays of extreme irritability, internal anger, and frequent, intense temper outbursts. DMDD symptoms go way beyond just a “moody” child. DMDD is a fairly new diagnosis, appearing in the new DSM-V. There is currently no standard treatment protocol for DMDD; however, most psychologists and psychiatrists recommend a multi-faceted approach that contains some or all of the following elements:

• Home support to target parents and caregivers who are the first line of defense in reducing the aggressive and irritable behaviors of the child. Parent training is the most effective treatment as children with DMDD need consistent predictable rules and a reward system.
• School support where teachers and school personnel understand the diagnosis. Children with DMDD often struggle academically and behaviorally. Some children will require a 504 Plan or an Individualized Education Plan (IEP).

At Essential Touchstones, our motto is “skills before pills.” We teach DBT skills to show children how to deal with irrational thoughts and intense emotions. This therapy teaches acronyms geared towards the practice of self-regulating.

When medications are needed to assist in therapy, there is no single prescription used to treat DMDD. It is likely that several medications may be used together for the best results. Be patient. It may be a long journey of trial and error before finding the right formula.

The following is a list of books that offer support to parents:

• • DBT Principles in Action, Charlie Swenson, Ph.D. (2018)
  • Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, Shari Manning, Ph.D. (TIC founder) (2011)
  • The Power of Validation: Arming Your Child Against Bullying, Peer Pressure, Addiction, Self-Harm, and Out-of-Control Emotions. 2011, Karyn Hall, Ph.D.
  • Buddha Mind, Buddha Body, Thich Nhat Hanh (2003)
  • Building a Life Worth Living, Marsha Linehan, Ph.D. (2021)
  • Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder, Marsha Linehan, Ph.D., First Edition (1993)

Oppositional and Defiant Behaviors are very difficult for parents, teachers, and the child who has the disorder. An opposition defiant disorder, as defined by the DSM-V, is a pattern of irritable/angry mood, argumentative behavior, or vindictiveness lasting for at least 6 months. Often symptoms include loss of temper, easily annoyed, resentment, arguing with authority figures, refusing to comply with rules or request, deliberating annoying others, blaming others for his/her mistakes, and vindictive behaviors. Only a trained mental health professional can diagnose this condition but if you have a family member or a child struggling with any of these symptoms, it can be overwhelming and very upsetting to the whole family.

These are a few strategies for parents and teachers to consider:

• Apply and optimize the anger thermometer asking for anger units based on a scale of 1-100.
• Utilize deep breathing techniques.
• Explore sensory self-soothing methods using the 5 senses.
• Use strategies to label emotions.
• Use the 3 second rule with a timeout.
• Teaching accountability for behavior is important. Don’t accept bad behavior.
• Learn how to channel anger in healthy ways. Some great examples are art, music, and exercise.
• Create a task analysis in the classroom and at home.
• Teach your child/student how to read micro-expressions on their face by giving them feedback on the way their behavior comes across to you. This will help them to improve their social skills.

A good mental health professional can help you create a perfect plan that is right for your family.

A dear friend of mine, Quinn Cunningham McClellan, explained parenting so perfect when she said, “Raising children is like launching a space shuttle. You have really good communication and visualization for a while and then the module has to go around the moon and the moon blocks all signal. There’s radio silence while it’s traveling behind the moon, but you have to trust that it’s still there….and then one day you’ll get a little blip on your radar and hope that it’s coming back around. And then you celebrate at base camp when communication is re-established and you’ve survived the teen years without any catastrophic events.